“Are you Jewish?”
Throughout my 20s, I was so put off by this question. Being asked felt like getting punched in the gut while racking my brain for an appropriate response that didn’t exist. Falling short, I reached for the language around me, borrowing phrases like “convert in process,” “not-by-birth,” or “Jew by Choice,” which all felt a bit awkward and somehow not quite the explanation I was seeking. Unlike my white counterparts, I knew the friendly person asking was just curious about my “origin” but I was uncomfortable as I presumed the asker thought I was adopted or in-married (of which I was neither). Weighing both sides, I just smiled politely and accepted this common interaction as my forever inevitable experience with Klal Yisrael.
B”H, I am now 33, more comfortable in my own skin than ever, and I can happily report that my answer comes out like a well-practiced routine. As of late, my go-to response combines a resounding “yes,” followed by the admission that I am not yet however, “legally Jewish.” This has felt truer to my integrity as my affirmation is honest while the qualification provides transparency for the sake of the one asking. So what brought me from a place of confusion and insecurity to an eager moment of proud declaration? I found my answer at Sinai.
While my story doesn’t continue with an epic tale about trekking the Sinai Trail or some life-changing birthright trip that brought me to the desert, what I’m referring to is the mystical teaching that every Jewish soul was present at Mt. Sinai to receive the Torah of Moses and accept G-d’s covenant as one people. If you’re not mystically inclined, then I’ll admit, this sounds like a nice tale to help converts avoid a bad case of FOMO, but as I’ve gone deeper into my spiritual journey, I’ve felt a stronger connection than ever to this teaching and have only been able to express my Jewish identity at this spiritually described level. Unlike a “Jew by Choice,” I can’t fathom self-selecting Judaism because I “like” or “prefer” it to another mode of spirituality. Rather, Judaism is how I understand who I am and why I am— it’s the very connection I feel to my Source and I’m not sure that a Judaism 101 class and a dip in the mikvah would make me feel any more Jewish than how I was born.
It’s the age old question: do we choose religion or does religion choose us? What complicates matters is that I’m not convinced there is only one answer. I’m still grappling with the idea of conversion when accompanied by in-marriage, which frankly makes me a bit uncomfortable as a Jewish marriage is understood to be the reuniting of two souls which were indeed present at Sinai, accepting G-d’s covenant and being bound to the Torah. So when I encounter the occasional Jew that merely converts for the sake of having halachically Jewish kids while distanced from the Torah and mitzvot in their daily lives, I can appreciate why one might call themselves a “Jew by Choice.” But for someone like me, whose relationship with Judaism is her relationship to Hashem, indeed, the very purpose of her being, I beg to question how appropriate it is to consider calling me the same. While I’m neither Ashkenazi, Sephardi or Mizrahi, and while I can’t trace my genealogy back to Tzion, there is no “on/off” button when it comes to my being Jewish and I wouldn’t have it any other way. What I know is who I am and why I am— and what I am is a Jewish soul. I accepted the Torah at Sinai and I accept it every day as I do my best to honor and uphold these teachings as I promised Hashem a long time ago.
